Dear Lauren,

I can’t believe my baby sister is getting married! I’m so stinking glad that you and Adam found each other and I’ll have a brother-in-law as delightful as Adam! I’m jazzed for your wedding, but honestly, I’m mostly relieved that I won the bet that we made. Just in case you forgot, three years ago this August, we bet that you would be married in three years. I knew you’d find that *someone* but you weren’t convinced. I was SO sure you’d get married, I made the public declaration that I would tattoo “LOSER” somewhere on my body. Super glad that’s not going to happen. By like 2 months. So my left butt cheek thanks you 😉 This IS just a gentle reminder that I fully expect your first born daughter to be named Rachel. I’ll gently remind you of that for the next ten years or so!

Okay, now that THAT is out of the way, I’d like to approach the delicate subject of the location of your wedding! There are several suggestions for where the ceremony/reception will take place. Karis’ suggestion is the back field, for both the ceremony and the reception…in my opinion, the prettiest, but it’s like a ten mile hike through mud, mosquitoes, rabid coyotes, alligators and uncivilized local Brookvillites who may be lurking in the woods. YOUR suggestion for the reception was the pole barn. I repeat: the. pole. barn. I know you said that it didn’t matter if you got married (and I quote) “in a garbage can since I’m marrying the man of my dreams”, but…IT’S A POLLLLLLLLLLLLLE BARN. And finally, the suggestion from the only one of us who apparently was blessed with any brains: The field very close to mom and dad’s house that has an actual gorgeous little wood barn on it. And a flat surface. And easier electricity. And a really pretty vegetable/flower garden. And a field of horses beyond it.

I know visualizing all of this can be hard, and since you’re in Florida with limited time until the big day (uh, less than two months), I thought it would be best to create an idea of what your special day would be like at each location! I enlisted the help of Anne, who was more enthusiastic than I even dreamed she could be to throw on dad’s best tween coat and rock an eyeliner mustache, to play the part of your Mr. Wonderful.

So, without further ado…snippets from your potential special day….

 

First up…Karis’ field! I’ll admit that pretty-factor-wise, it’s up there! I love the lake in the background, and try to ignore the garish light, because at an evening wedding, the sun would be setting just over that hill beyond the lake. So you’d be perfectly backlit!

If you survive the trek TO this location. See that side by side in the background? With 150 guests coming you’ll either need that thing pulling a wagon hay-ride style, or force them to walk through the hazards I mentioned above.

Think about it.

 

Now imagine all of these trees have leaves and are strung up with a million white lights. From the magical electricity we’ll somehow manage to run back to this field in BFE.

And imagine this is a filet 😉

 

Alright, next stop is the *shudder* POLE BARN.

(I feel if I capitalize it, it will sink in that you want your reception to be in a P.O.L.E. B.A.R.N. when you have so so so so many better options)

BUT WAIT!!!!!

MAJOR HAZARD ALERT!!!!!

This ravine is a death trap waiting to happen. You could fall in.

WHAT NOW?!?!?!?!

Bam. Wedding is ruined before it even started.

Your MARRIAGE is ruined before it even started. No man wants a wife who would pick such a dangerous location for a wedding reception. That’s a fact.

 

We’ll pretend you survived, for the sake of this experiment to go on.

(as if)

 

Now you’re getting your first glimpse of the POLE BARN as a backdrop for your reception. Where 75% of the pictures will be taken at and the majority of time your guests spend at your wedding will take place at. Besides the fact that looking at it (under the setting of wedding – don’t worry dad, it’s not ugly as far as pole barns go) will make your eyes bleed rivers of blood, it’s a proven fact that if you have your wedding reception at a pole barn you get pregnant immediately.

You heard me, Adam and Lauren AKA the Anti Children Duo, PREG-NANT. Hence the picture of me holding my stomach and Anne looking utterly devastated.

And I’m crying in the dancing pictures, because I GUARANTEE THAT YOU WILL SOB LIKE A BABY IF YOUR FIRST DANCE AS HUSBAND AND WIFE IS HERE.

I hear your idea was to “hang tule and fabric” over the interior walls.

Yeah. Good luck with that.

 

Oh, did I not mention the dead animals?

There’s dead animals and an old hunting dog shed/chicken coop that isn’t going anywhere. You planning on covering that up with fabric too?

 

CUE CHOIR OF FREAKIN’ ANGELS!!!!!!!!

(imagine leaves, horses in that back field, dangling mason jars, etc.)

Anne/Adam was totally disrespectful AT. OUR. WEDDING.

*sob*

I forgave her/him.

 

You’re welcome.

 

 

I love you, baby sis, my weeto seesto. <3 And if you get married by the POLE BARN, forget I ever wrote this post. *muah*

(beego seesto)