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Feb 01 2013

we do fun.

One of my friends and fellow photographer, Crystal of Pure Photoshop Actions, has a wall decal up that reads:

In this house…

we do real

we do mistakes

we do I’m sorry

we do fun

we do hugs

we do second chances

we do happy

we do forgiveness

we do really loud

we do family

we do love

I *love* it…we are hopefully moving into our new home within a couple of months and that is getting slapped up on a wall ASAP;)

I dug up old pictures today, ones that I want to put in an album with the simple title, “we do fun.” on the cover. Pictures for me to flip through when I start beating myself up for not being the parent I feel like I need to be. I’m not immune to comparing myself to moms who seem to have it all together. I may have my priorities in line in terms of balancing work and family, but sometimes I wonder if the time I spend with them is *enriching* enough. Do we do enough puzzles? Crafts? Are we teaching them to be too rowdy and wild? I think a lot of parents have this worry. With Pinterest and bloggers documenting every piece of glitter and every can of chalkboard paint used for their kids to scribble on their very own wall, I get to feeling deflated.

But then I see how confident they are becoming as they grow (a certain little blonde has enough confidence/attitude for the whole Vanoven crew) and I *know* we’re doing something right:)

 In our house….

We realize when a baby jumps in the tub in footie pajams, you can’t get mad.

We know that there’s only so long that your growing girl will let you take sudsy silly pictures of her in the bathtub, lookin’ a hot mess!

We have no-hands-allowed-spaghetti-eating-contests…

…that carry on to breakfast the next morning;)

The fun extends to baby sisters/aunts who do this:

Our kids do just about anything to make us laugh…

the art of sprinkler-butt is passed down from kid to kid

boys can rock pink nail polish if they can be coerced by big sisters

Josie knows that she never has to be “normal”

Children who are warned repeatedly to stop horsing around on the edge of public fountains will only be helped out after everyone has a good laugh and pictures are taken. Said children then get to frolic around downtown Indianapolis in a sopping wet dress;)

road trip pit stops are always perfect photo opportunities!

(sidenote: I’m shocked my arm pits are shaved)

If cousin Logan wants to wear goggles that make him look like Sloth from the Goonies while we go for a walk in the woods, he can.

We allow sisterly boob grabs in the name of recreating art.

If we go on a walk looking for deer and can’t find any, someone will pretend to be a deer for us.

Little ones are launched over water

When dripping water looks like pee…we make sure that moment is captured forever

We sneak in kisses whenever possible

Bubbles rule.

Parents hardly ever get to “just lay out” at the beach…

normal smiles are boring;)

Grandmas are able to lay the smack down on their fully grown sons!

Children can be seen AND heard

Grandpas can make clown noses out of roma tomatoes and cheesy smiles are okay too:)

Daddies have mad ups

Jumping off the picnic table is okay

Kids sneak coffee

adults aren’t the only ones that can hail taxis!

Lip Smacker addictions are fed

Proper nature walks involve sword fights and beaver hunting

Little girls who fake cry like this will have their picture taken and shown to them to make them see how ridiculous they look

Grown men can comfortably show off their interpretive dance skills without risk of ridicule

Pops break Nana’s “no rough housing” rule….frequently;)

Spit bubbles have a proper time and place

The kids know that even if they grow up to be Death Eaters, we’ll still love ‘em

and lastly, golfing is always best done in your underwear

<3

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Rachel - This totally made me crack up! I love this!!! I love seeing your family’s silliness, and yet you somehow manage to take gorgeous photos ;D

courtney jade - this is absolutely perfect. you are an amazing mother, and it is *so* very cool that you have the talent and take the time to document all of these very precious moments!! Love that you shared all of this, makes me excited to have my own family someday :)

Jessica Szabo - WOW. I have no words, only tears of joy…and slight feelings of inadequacy ;)

Andrea Machado - You are truly an inspirational mom, woman and photographer! If I could be just half as good as you in all three, I’d have it made. Thank you for sharing your world with us!

Lauren Barnard - I love this blog post! You have a cutest family, and seem to always have fun! I love that :)

Jaime - Laughing so hard I’m crying. That’s awesome. It was desperately needed this week! THANK YOU! :D I need to learn how to photo myself IN the photos with my littles before they look back at albums and think they were parentless (daddy’s gone a lot on deployment!! lol

Jen Ketchum - I absolutely love this post!! It makes me want to go through my pictures and enjoy our crazy moments together as a family. :) . Thank you for sharing these precious moments with us.

christie - adore everything about this. sadly it makes me want to scrap every photo i have ever taken and start again. but i like to look at it as it is so incredibly beautifully inspiring to document more and practice and grow. your work, your humor, your love is so genuine and real. thank you always for sharing these sweet little moments.

Rachel Yearian - This is perfect!!!!

Angela t - We have that saying on a sign in our house. I love it! And I love this blog!

Roxanne - This was an amazing blog, and man, oh man, what a spit bubble that was!!!!! You are great at what you do Rachel, mother and wife first, photographer 2nd! Thanks for allowing us a peek at your wonderful life.

Amber - Love this post and love that quote too! I need to capture more of these random fun moments… and make sure that instead of getting mad, I grab the camera instead. :)

Kathy R - Rachel you and your photos are so wonderful. I love the love and happiness that you share with all of us through your family photos and work. You are one of my top inspirations and I hope to be as successful as you one day. Your passion for teaching, photographing, being a mom, having such a wonderful family , are all in my future dreams and watching you be so successful truly is beautiful. I love you and your family and your photos, for giving me something beautiful to not only look at in the present ,but to inspire me to keep growing for the future. You are so talented, don’t ever change for a second. Those kids & hubby are very fortunate to have you xoxo!! ~ K Ro Photography <3

Sara Viernes DDS - Lovely post where every silly moment makes us smile :)
Thanks for sharing!

Just wanted to pass along this contest opportunity to win a family membership ($145 value) to The Children’s Museum of Indianapolis for unlimited visits for one year.

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Thanks!

Rachel Lewis - Yep… pretty sure this is the best blog post.
Ever.

Tara - This is seriously the best blog posting. You remind us that it is way more fun being our nerdy self. Thanks for sharing!

Paige - ~LOVE~

Amanda - This post is every kind of awesome. Seriously.

Ladina - You made me cry and LOL! Thank you! You are an inspiration. xx

jenny - This blog post made me laugh out loud! (even though my kids are sleeping on the other side of the wall.) I LOVE that you have your camera with you wherever real life happens. These photographs are treasures. Love it!!

Rina - I really enjoy you and your family’s photos. This might sound really generic but here goes…. it’s not about how ya’ll started, but how ya’ll finished.

lauren @ lulabell photography - Okay you have me bawling. This is the life I dream of every single day. Beautiful..

Jan 17 2013

I dreamed a dream

Many of you know that I was a single mom. The mom part was an amazing time of growth for me. As soon as Brynn was placed at my breast seconds after her birth, a switch was flipped. The 9 months before that moment, though, were some of the darkest of my life. In high school, our show choir had sang songs from Les Miserables and Fantine’s solo, “I Dreamed and Dream” had been one of the songs that I had a small solo part in and the words of the song stuck with me. When I was 17 and a carefree high school student, Fantine’s grief was alien to me. I had a few non-serious boyfriends, I was active with my church’s youth group and busy with Drama Club and silly 17 year old shenanigans.

Two years later, after a downward spiral of bad choices and disrespecting myself and my body time and time again, I found myself at home, friendless, pregnant and suddenly Fantine’s grief became something I felt all to well in my soul. Even now, nearly 10 years after seeing those two pink lines, listening to that song takes me right back. Anne Hathaway’s gut wrenching rendition of it captures how *I* felt those dark months.

There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

Like so many young girls out there, I had a fairy tale idea of romance and marriage. My own parents wed extremely young (20 and 21) and I grew up in a loving, Christian home. My mom was up to greet us every morning with breakfast, was home after school to read books in the hammock and cooked dinner every night except Sundays. Growing up, being a mom was all that I wanted. And of course you needed Prince Charming (like my dad) to marry and have that white picket fence with.

Where it “all went wrong” for me was Jr. High. I was teased mercilessly by boys and my spirit was crushed. I stopped believing I was pretty. I stopped believing I was worthy to be treated good by boys/men in general and this lasted through college.

I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung
No wine untasted.

My freshman and sophomore years of college were crazy. And fake. Looking back at the pictures truly gives me no joy. As I was a shell of myself. Plastering on a smile when every second I was alone was spent holding my arms and shaking with sobs trying to hold myself together. Spending time around my parents as I felt like I was letting them down, and if they only knew how my weekends were spent, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Of course, this was a lie meant to keep me in the dark and only sent me spiraling faster down a path that eventually I wasn’t able to find my way out of.

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

Everything was turned upside down when I came down with shingles in February of 2003. The doctors were baffled that a seemingly healthy 19 year old woman would break out in such a way that typically only comes from a weakened immune system. Elderly people, AIDS patients, pregnant women, etc. I obviously wasn’t 80 years old, so they ordered a blood test to get to the bottom of it.

I was watching Jennifer Lopez’s movie “Enough” when the phone rang with the test results.

“I’ve got good news and bad news”

…

“The good news is, you don’t have any immunity lowering illnesses.”

…

oh, God.

oh, God.

“Miss Murphy? You’re pregnant.”

…

“Congratulations.”

I whispered thank you and hung up the phone. Standing dumbfounded in my parents’ basement. My hand went to my abdomen in disbelief. This happened to other people. Not me. How do I tell my parents? Oh, Lord…how do I look my dad in the eyes? Who will want to marry me? Do I want to abort this baby? …..I’ve always been such a Pro-Life advocate, but oh my GOSH this is ME that’s pregnant. Is the heart beating? Is it a boy? A girl? What will he or she look like? Oh, God I’m PREGNANT. I could miscarry. Please let me miscarry. Don’t make me decide, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. I can’t abort this baby. Can I raise this baby? I want to be a mom—but not now.

 ”Rachel? Who was on the phone?”

I was shaking and told my mom. She just said, “Oh, Rachel” and held me and we cried. As a parent now, I cannot imagine how her heart was breaking in that moment.

As they tear your hope apart

Everything my parents hoped I would turn out to be. The Scarlet Letter they knew would be coming soon in the shape of a bulging tummy and a ringless finger on their teenage daughter.

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

I won’t talk much about Brynn’s biological dad, just that he was young, and in hindsight, I see that he was just as scared as I was. And today he does play a small (but important) role in her life. But the result of our conversation when I told him about the pregnancy was him deciding to wipe me from his life and keep me and his future baby a secret from everyone around him. I was devastated.

And still I dream he’ll come to me
That we’ll live the years together

I waited 9 long months for a phone call. I watched sappy movies that involved single moms getting their happily ever afters. I watched expectant moms and dads come into doctor appointments with huge smiles and clutched hands and designer maternity clothes. I bought a fake engagement ring to make me feel like I was “worthy” to go to appointments but it made my finger turn green, exposing my sham and only making me feel worse.

But I kept hoping.

But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

The only way I survived those 9 months was my mom. All those months where I kept my double life a secret because I was scared of her reaction were for nothing as she was completely forgiving and accepting of me, flaws and all. I *did* weather that storm in my life, but all I did was float on a rescue raft as she pulled me through the raging sea that was the life of a pregnant teen.

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

I was 9 months pregnant. Working at a Wal-Mart in north west Indiana. I had no friends. I had gained nearly 80 pounds. I was on medicaid. I was taking college classes at a local college, surrounded  by carefree young adults meeting up for drinks and planning road trips. I remember playing this song and every time Fantine sings “I had a dream my life would be, so different from this hell I’m living”–I would just lose it.

We’ve all been there. At least most of us have been. Life seldom ends up like our 7 year old selves imagine it would be.

You wouldn’t believe how many messages I get a week from single moms, military wives, struggling college students, etc. who are reaching out and looking for encouragement. I wish I could personally help each and every person who contacts me. I have such a heart for struggling moms, teens who maybe aren’t from the right side of the tracks and are trying to start up a photography business with limited funds. I feel and *get* each and every one of you–the pain that you have because you feel like there is no *up* from where your at.

I can tell you, it’s one day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

Instead of focusing on my pain, I choose to remember that moment when I first saw Brynn’s sweet face, and a different Les Mis song comes to mind…

Suddenly the world
Seems a different place
Somehow full of grace
And delight.
How was I to know
That so much love
Was held inside me?
Something fresh and young
Something still unsung
Fills the night.
How was I to know at last
That happiness can come so fast?
Trusting me the way you do
I’m so afraid of failing you.You have warmed my heart
Like the sun.
You have brought the gift of life
And love so long denied me.
Suddenly I see
What I could not see
Something suddenly
Has begun.
 
 

I don’t think that God has put me on this earth just to take pretty pictures. Every day, I’m feeling a nudge to share this story of mine. For now, it will be on my blog, in bits and pieces. I hope so bad that my words come as a comfort to anyone out there who feels alone. I hope so bad that some day, my story can be used on a bigger scale as a tool to help other young women who feel they don’t have worth. I truly feel at peace with my past, and all the pain that I went through has only made me a stronger person today–I am constantly grateful for the blessings that have rained down on me. But there has to be a reason. Like I said, while I love photography…every day I’m feeling a tug on my heart to take another path. One that can coexist with my teaching newborn photography and shooting client work, for now. Thank you for letting me open up my heart on this blog.

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Fini Perez Alati - Wow Rachel! I loved reading your story… very VERY inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing…

Kimberly - You are such an example and inspiration of true beauty! Thanks for sharing!

Courtney - I absolutely love that you posted this blog. Wow. It brought tears to my eyes and was so beautiful. Thank you for telling your story. Beautiful. God Bless you!!! :)

Rebecca - This made me tear up! I’m 19 and love photography, trying to start my business while in school at the same time. I looooove your work and I look up to you in so many ways! <3

Linda - Such a beautiful story! Thank you so much for sharing.

Tiffany W. - Wow! Thank you for being so raw and open!! You have a beautiful soul Rachel!!!

martine - Wow, sat here trying not to cry as my kids are here but thank you for sharing, i have been there (17) and my 14 yr old son is my maker and my total world..although i thought my life was over i realise now it had only just begun xx

Paige - Simply beautiful! ;)

Stephanie - Thank you so much for sharing. I have been struggling with a nudging from God to share my own story (though very different from yours), this was just another confirmation that I was needing. Thank you for your opening your heart :)

Dania - Rachel, God has really used you. your beautiful words strung my heart and reminded me how much God loves me. Thanks for sharing your story. Thanks so much!

Jesica - Rachel – thank you for sharing this. I know that people will read this and it will give them hope that they need. To me, you are an all-around wonderful person (that is from what I see online, since we will probably never meet) and for that I applaud you. You (and Brynn!!) are an inspiration. {I think I backspaced a million times because I wrote something and was like, RACHEL VANOVEN will read this – basically, you are a “celebrity” to me – and I don’t want to sound dumb} I SHOULD HAVE ERASED THAT, TOO!! *click*

Heather - This made me cry. like a baby! It is so crazy how our stories are so similar. So proud of you for sharing this, I know it’s not easy. But I promise you just made a huge impact on lots of people by doing it!! :) xoxo

Christina - Rachel, Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! What a testimony to life. I’m so glad you had a mother that was so supportive. Keep sharing – I’m sure you’re helping many, many, young women!

Mia Paolini - Hi Rachel,

Beautiful.

I must 10, closer to 15 years older than you, but yet I feel like there is so much for me to learn from you.

Thank you for learning to love yourself and share yourself with others.

Namaste,
Mia

Tina Basinski - Thank you for sharing this Rachel!!

Amy - So inspiring! Exactly what I needed to lift me up this morning! Thank you!!!

Becky - Rachel, thanks so much for sharing this. I have lived that life. All the details are not the same and I married the guy before I got pregnant (by God’s grace) but it’s the same story. There had never been any real love there and I didn’t expect it. I had just wanted that picket fence and didn’t think I could get it otherwise. So sad. I’ve always wanted and hoped that God would use my life, my story to help young girls to realize their worth, that boys are not everything and that God’s plan is perfect and right. God gave me Emma and He turned my life around. Anyways, I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this, but I’m so glad you shared.

April Arnott - Awe Rachel this is the sweetest thing i’ve ever read. You did a GREAT job with everything, and have really made a great life for yourself. You should be proud of that! I also think you should write a book, to me, having those lyrics in there, I felt like I was reading and ACTUAL novel :)

Julie - Wow, reading this blog has certainly brought back many of my memories. Young, single, & pregnant! All the emotions I experienced were oh so similar to yours. I was going to give her up for adoption, but my Dad stepped in & begged me to come home with my baby … we’d raise her has one big family! Side note: my dad & stepmom were starting their own family together. We were having babies together!!! My half brother was born 11 weeks after I had my little one. *sigh* Thank you so much for sharing a part of your journey.

Nichole Crowley - Oh my I’m bawling like a baby! Such a tear jerker! I respect your courage for putting your story out there I’m sure it will become a huge influence to those who are down and out, to know there is light at the end of the tunnel and god has his reasons and although we may not see his blessings at first you just have ro look a little harder. I’m glad i experienced the hardships i did growing because it’s made the person i am today, it’s helped me find strength, to look at life from a different perspective and i am blessed :)

Lindsey - Rachel, oh wow. I love how raw and real you are. I too was a teen mom, at 18 years old. I too, had the most amazing, supporting parents. My Dad’s reaction, while wiping a tear from his face was, “Aw hell; it’s just another hot dog on the table honey. I still love you.” I’ll never forget that. I too am a photographer now, and so incredibly thankful for everything I’ve gone through to get me where I’m at today. It just fell in my lap, practically, 18 months ago. I ADORE everything about my job.

I never would have known or thought anything like this about you. You’ve clearly done a wonderful job and you deserve every bit of success and happiness that comes your way. Thank you for sharing (and making me realize once again, that I’m not the only one out there who has gone through something similar!) You rock. <3

Lindsey Brown

tarah - and…i’m in tears. what a beautiful story, beautiful words and beautiful mommy and child. thank you for sharing.

Lindsey - Oh and your daughter? She’s a gorgeous, spitting-image of you. ;-)

Jessica - Good job Rachel. Though I did not experience what you went through, I understand the courage it takes to share tough experiences. I am a FIRM believer that sometimes the things that happen to us that are the toughest are the things that God uses for us to reach out to help others.:) God has given you a huge platform…I’m excited to see what He can do through you!

priscilla - omg,, this pulls at my heart stings,, i too was a single mom , widowed at 21 and pregnant i took care of my kids 8.5 yrs alone. i have had alot more pain and tradgey this gives me hope to share my story,, i have been wanting to alot because i dont think alot of ppl really get me…..

Tiffany - This was such an inspiration Rachel! I am now all grown up and have two beautiful children and an amazing husband, but there was a time in my life where I thought I would always be with men who did not respect me or love me. I was drinking every night and going down a very dark path. I actually have my Grandpa to thank for what I have now. Without him and his amazing strength in God and his belief in me, I would probably still be trying to find myself and still be letting men walk all over me and constantly put me down. I am so very blessed to have this life I live and your story just really struck a cord in my heart! I just took your e workshop as well, and your letter at the end just had me in tears! Thank you so much for all of your kind words and for sharing your story with all of us!!

Jen L - Wow! I’m in tears! Thank you for sharing your story :) love how open and raw you were, you are amazing! :)

Barr - So, I sent Courtney a text last night saying that I felt that we were kindred spirits. She agreed! I completely connected with you & in a few moments blurted out my crazy life story! I feel the same tug & maybe we do something together?! I want to send you my # so we can text. OX ~Barr

Melissa - You are such an incredible role model! Thank-you for sharing your (and Brynn’s!) story. You are both amazing beautiful people! :)

Kelly - Where was the internet when we were going through these moments as young single moms? Needing support. Amazing how much we have in common with others just a click away.

I was 18. My baby girl just turned 16. One of the best gifts God ever gave me.

Thanks for sharing your heart warming story.

Marcy Schneider Hoffman - My God Rachel, you know how to make a girl SOB! I did not have the experience of an unexpected pregnancy, but everything else up to that point that you wrote about was like a parallel life for me. I have a daughter the same age as Brynn, and I am willing to do just about anything so that she does not find herself going down that same path. I love your honesty and I am willing to bet that more women than not will relate to your story on some level. ((big hugs sister))

Lorena - So inspirational!!! We <3 you sooo much!!

Janell - you seem like a WONDERFUL mother and the struggles you went through made you into that! such a beautiful story. thanks so much for letting us into your heart and sharing! ♥

Candace - I can’t wait to read the rest! This very inspiring. That particular predicament is not the same as what I am going through now, however, I was able to draw strength from the story to help me continue fighting through what I am going through. Thank you!

Rachel - Rachel,

You are an inspiration to many, many people. You have talents well beyond the scope of photography. You are an amazing storyteller both with and without a camera. Your emotions so raw and real. You say things that others can’t. You assist those who need and seek. You are a blessing to all who find you. God knew exactly what he was doing. You, my friend, are truly gifted.

Thank you for sharing. :-)

Leslie - Thank you for sharing your heart! I, too, was raised with wonderful parents in a Christian home that I felt was perfect. But I, too, received devastating news as a senior in high school, that I was pregnant. That was 25 years ago. My family was so supportive (after the initial shock wore off) and I, too, have experienced God’s love and blessings rain on me throughout my life. He’s a wonderful comforter for sure. Thank you for sharing your heart. <3

Leslie

Stephanie DeBolt - Rachel, I love that you shared your story. Our paths may not be perfect, or of our own choosing, but in all, God knows better than we do.
I was in your shoes as well, I’ve felt the grief, judgement and pain of a young, unwed mother. Good news? My parents adored my daughter, I married her father and we’ve been married 25 years.
Bad news? My father unexpectedly died very young. If I’d followed the “rules” he never would have met his granddaughters.
It’s a beautiful tapestry in the end.

Kimberley - You are such an inspiration and truly gifted! Thanks for sharing such a personal time in your life!

Christine - You.Are.Amazing!!

Jessica J - Wonderful Rachel! You are a true inspiration. We are very blessed to have you in our lives and for all you share. You are a rock star and you shine so bright!!! Your children are so lucky to have such a brave, powerful and awesome woman as their mother.

Danielle - I cried reading every single word. You are such an inspiration. You are a wonderful soul Rachel V! And Brynn is one lucky girl to have you as her momma!

Betsy - Thank you for sharing your story! I remember looking up to you in high school because I thought you were so pretty and were always being social! Little did anyone know you were miserable… So often that is the case, we are so good at concealing our pain to those that need to see it most! I used to follow you on xanga (I think) back in the day and remember reading about Brynn and I think it was about the time that you met Nick! It is so awesome to see how God has blessed you and your family since and how He is using your story to touch other lives. God always has a plan and ill be anxious to watch how He continues to use you for His glory! :)

Rachel - I cried reading your story because it is almost identical to mine except that I was pregnant with twin boys. My boyfriend and I married when I was five months pregnant and he has stayed by my side supporting me enough for me to stay at home with them. The twins are 2 1/2 now. Thank you for sharing!

Kelli - That was so beautiful!! Thank you for sharing! I’ve really admired your work for a while – now, I really admire YOU and the confidence you have to share your story with others. Gorgeous!

Alysia - Thank you Rachel.

This is beautiful, and yes it helped. I am a military wife, struggling with my own battles, but your words seem as though it is a fairytale, like it can get better like I dream of. As you did not need to share this with all of us, I thank you for putting your heart on the line and exposing the raw moments in your life. It will help many people, way more then I think you could ever imagine.

Brandi - your blog brings me to tears…I was once in that exact spot…being a single mom 2x I thought I’d NEVER have the life I want. sometimes the path you “expected” isn’t always the right one…I’ve made peace with my past also, my kids (now all 4) are my greatest accompishments! I thank god everyday for my kids (health & income too). Also I’m very greatful I became pregnant at 17. I looked where my life was going and it wasn’t a path that I would ever have wanted for myself. for you to open up to THOUSANDS of people shows you have a big heart and are trying to help those who feel they will “never be where you are” You are letting them know they can there’s hope. You are a great inspiration. Thank you. FYI MN is a great place for an infant workshop!!! (eyebrows raising up and down)

Rachel - Rachel,

You are truly so amazing and such an inspiration! I follow your photography work through Facebook and your personal life through Instagram, and I can tell that you are such a strong woman. I know that your work and your personal life stories are an inspiration to so many. I only wish you well in all that you do. I support your work–whatever path you take!

Mia Bjerring - Rachel, it was such a brave decision you made to share your story and I hope people will read it and that it will help other people who might be in a similar situation. Those photos of Brynn as a baby are so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story.

Denise - Thank you so much for sharing this story. I have a very similar one. I had a daughter at 21 with no ring on my finger… and even though i wasn’t a teenager, looking back, I was still a baby having a baby. I was also raised in a Christian household and knew that telling my mom would devastate her and embarrass her. It took me FIVE months to confess. FIVE. My daughters father couldnt possibly have been less in a position to be a father. On and off drug use, stints in jail. You name it.

The part you wrote about, “God, what am i to do?” I said all of those things. I was praying for a miscarriage and found myself in a clinic to abort even though it goes against everything I believe. Thank GOD i didnt go through with it.

I am still a single mother and a photographer and still struggle with feeling out of place. It seems that every mom photog out there leads a perfect life. Perfect home. Perfect husband. Perfect children. And then there’s me going home to my now 11 year old in our little apartment. BUT I feel immensely blessed. That little apartment- I pay for. All my wonderful camera gear- I pay for. The new car I just bought- I pay for. GOD has given me all of these things that I don’t deserve and when I saw those two little pink lines I said to myself- “I wont let this define me. I will make something of myself”. I can proudly say that I have.

Thank you SO much for sharing this. I don’t feel so alone now.

Lindsay - Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable piece of your beautiful story. I see the work of a Savior full of grace and mercy woven through your words. May God bless you as you follow where He continues to lead.

Joanna - You’re someone I love to keep up with and I admire you. This story touched me and made me stop to thank god for my own family. You are so strong and inspiring and exude beauty in so many ways. Thank you for sharing your story.

D - Thank you so much for sharing your story. While my story is quite different, I can identify because my pregnancy was also a very dark time in my life. In my mid-30s, married to someone who turned out to be an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, unfaithful, violent, etc….basically once I got pregnant he turned into a complete train-wreck. So while I tried to savor every moment of that pregnancy, I was terrified of what was happening to my marriage and my husband, and how this was all going to affect my innocent baby. I ended up filing for divorce when my baby was just a month old. What helped me a lot (in addition to family/friend support) was hearing similar stories; other women’s stories which showed me that I wasn’t alone. So, again, thank you for sharing YOUR story. It will help someone, probably MANY. It helped me, because even though a couple years have passed since my pregnancy, it still helps to know I am not alone. I, too, was once that little girl dreaming of Prince Charming and the white picket fence. I was naïve to assume a man would support me while I followed my dreams of building my photography business. Now I understand that no man is going to make my dreams come true….I need to make that happen myself. Took me almost 40 years to figure that out, but better late than never! And I will instill that lesson into my daughter. Thank you again for sharing such a personal story. You are truly an inspiration, not only as a photographer but as a woman and mother!

Caitlin - This came just at the right time, Rachel. I have this amazing guy that tries so hard to make me happy, but sometimes I feel so alone. He is in the military so he is constantly gone. I am a college student working on low funds, but eventually I would like to pursue photography. But this past week or two I’ve been extremely depressed. I feel like I have no friends where I am (I do have 2 long distant friends back home, but like I said, we are military and not in our hometown). I *know* I have a lot to be thankful for and I have a good life, but right now I just can’t seem to get myself out of the dumps. I think a lot of it is the amount of homework I have right now, the lack of friends I have *near* me, and my man being gone a lot. We also have a LOT of stressful things going on with us right now which is adding to the situation. Today I was feeling helpless. I let it all get the best of me. You reminded me that this too will pass and I need to make it better. *I* can choose my attitude and I am not going to be depressed anymore. This is another moment of happiness I will not regain. Thank you for writing this. You are so inspiring and such an amazing mother and person. You are gorgeous too! Thank you for this!

Melissa Ann - Rachel, thank you for sharing. Such a blessing to hear of your past redeemed by Him!

Kellie Agen - Love love love love! Such an amazing story! I too was a single mom at just 16 so this touches my heart! You’re amazing and such an inspiration to so many :)

Christie - Rachel, What a beautiful testimony! How blessed we all are to have you share this with us! I am sure God has you on a journey, as you said, to share this with other young women who need to hear it. Your parents are amazing people. I am so happy to hear you had such a great support system, though you still had your own trials to go through.
I counsel post abortive women…all of whom struggle so much with the decision they made (even 20, 30 yrs +) afterwards! They all wish they hadn’t done it but only felt the fear you also felt, no hope, no support. God bless you and your beautiful family!

Cathy - Your blog post made me cry, Rachel. How can you not with that Les Miserable music in the background! I am so happy that you became a stronger person and that you have a very supportive mom while you were going through a lot in your life. I just joined your Facebook Group (via eWorkshop) and I am looking forward to getting to know you!

Angi - Thanks for sharing your story.

caitlin - Wow, your story really touched my heart. When reading this post all I could think of was that was me…this is my story! How crazy, Im kinda in awe. I didn’t have the support system at home, I was on my own and struggling to start my photography business to support my son.Thank you for sharing. It feels good to see such a strong woman like you become such a sucess. Not only in your career, but you now have your perfectly imperfect family that you always wanted. How special you are, how lucky you are to have that! It really gives me hope for myself and my son. You are an inspiration. God bless you and your sweet baby girl that shaped you into the woman and mother you always wanted to be. I love your work. Come do a workshop in Wisconsin pretty pleaseeeee!!!

Leslie - Thank you so much for sharing your story, Rachel. You are such an inspiration to everyone. You help to give me hope that our struggles will get much better in the future and then we can look back at how far we have come. Thank you again and God bless you and your wonderful family.:)

lauren @ lulabell photography - I got married, then got pregnant and yet your story resonates with me in so many ways I can relate to a lot of those feelings and fears as my situation is not what I expected. Thank you for putting your story out there I applaud you.

Danielle - I have tears flowing. You are such a beautiful person, with a genuine heart and a story that is so close to my heart as well. I am a single mom… It is hard. I am still trying to build a brighter future and have lost my way.

Holly Murphy - Rachel, you have such a way with words. You should right a book. I felt every emotion you did as I read along with you. An inspiration, not just as a photographer but as a kind, loving and wonderful mother and wife. You should be SO proud of what you have achieved and the absolutely gorgeous children you have raised. I wish you all the very best for whatever may come to you in the future.

Heidi - wow. I don’t know what to say other than that is an incredible story that could touch so many and you told it in such a beautiful way. Rachel ~ You should definitely consider sharing your story in some way or another for young girls who feel lost, ashamed, unworthy, unforgiven…hopeless. Love your heart! Thanks for sharing.

Jennifer - Wow! Why don’t you just make me cry?!? :-) Thank you so much for sharing your story. My life has been different from yours….went to college, got a great job, married, and a son and so on…..then my world fell apart. After 17 years of hard work I lost my job and whole career that I had worked so hard to obtain….for no good reason. Before the loss of my job, I had been dabbling in photography…..now it is my mission to become a success at it. I have been struggling alot lately with a lot of things, but I remember praying to God to make a change in my life, and boy did he ever deliver. Thank you for being such an inspiration to myself and others.

Nicole - It’s amazing how holding on and letting go dictate perception breathing great beauty into life. Endurance, understanding, & hope are invaluable to weather life’s ugliest moments.
Your story is inspiring. Without a doubt I am sure your parents, husband, children, sister and friends are honored to have you in their life and are proud to call you theirs.

Adriana J - Such a beautiful and inspiring story! You can show people that life can and does get better! Brynn is such a beautiful girl. I can see Josie and yourself in her.

Audrey - There has to be a way as a society to stop damaging our sons and daughters but until then if this helps just one person telling your story will have been worth it! Thanks for sharing. I am working on a memoir of sorts to tell my story. I feel the same way. The horrible experience is a [unfortunate] part of what made me the woman I am today.
By the way: love your work and would love to enjoy one of your workshops; you are amazing at what you do!

Taylor Bottoms - Thanks for being so transparent, I am sure you are helping so many :)

Tracy - Your an inspiration.

Thank you for being so real.

Tracy - Oopsy, YOU’RE :)

Jennifer - Rachel, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I stumbled on your blog recently and have really admired you. What a fabulous photographer you are and what a great Mom you are and have become. We all have daunting pasts (including me) that we aren’t always proud of; but they def shape us and without them I am convinced we wouldn’t be where we are today. It takes courage and conviction to share what we aren’t always proud of. Thank you!

Sarah - “He will restore what the locust has eaten.” I’m sure you’re familiar with that verse given your upbringing. It has been true in my life time and time again and is a truth that every person alive can stand on if they know Jesus and trust Him as their savior. Yours is a beautiful story of redemption and I definitely think that tugging should be responded to. You’re taken an awesome step publishing it here. I pray you’ll be able to share and bless many more with your story of love and redemption. If you haven’t read “Redeeming Love,” you should… one of my all-time favorites for so many reasons.

Amber - Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing. ♥

Paige - beautiful story. you’re simply amazing! :) thank you for sharing.

Maritza - I don’t even know how i got here… BUT i did.. Thank you for your story.. Thank you for sharing your photos… You touched a mothers Heart In Miami, FL

Maritza

jenny - Rachel,
I am a puddle of tears. This is beautiful. Thank you for having the courage and strength to share this, for the benefit of others. God bless you and your gorgeous family. :)